Czar

Yesterday, we laid to rest my running partner, my friend, the one who knew my every secret and confession, the one that loved me unconditionally...Czar, a Great Dane/Mastiff mix.

I have always had a dog, often times more than one dog at a time for companionship.  My pets have always been a part of the family and are treated with love, patience and respect.  Czar was special - the first few weeks that Czar joined our home, he displayed traits of compassion, trust and healing.  I started bringing him to the office with me.  He instantly would identify the people who may be sick, sad or lonely.  He would lay at their feet, not asking or begging to be pet.  Czar would calmly and silently lay next to them.  Without fail, often without realizing it themselves, a hand would lower and pat Czar on the head.  We witnessed, day in and day out, the healing qualities Czar offered to those in need.

Czar instinctively knew the people that would not tolerate the presence of a dog.  When those people arrived at the office, he would retreat quietly into my office and wait for them to leave.

Because of his breed, it was imperative to keep him from running and jumping the first year of his life.  Great Danes and Mastiffs grow at such a fast pace the muscles and ligaments have a hard time staying caught up with their growth.  Czar did not become my running partner until the spring of 2013.  He helped me train for my first ultra marathon.  He motivated me to run when I felt I could not run another step.  He found pleasure in the sights and smells offered by trail running, always so proud when he came across a grouse, deer, and a couple times even a lone coyote.  With Czar by my side, I felt safe.  

A tragic accident led to the indescribable, difficult decision of parting with my four legged friend.  October 23, 2013, with Czar's head on my lap and tears streaming down my cheeks, we said our final good-bye.  In mere hours, my phone, email, and social media was flooded with condolences and sadness of Czar's passing.  Over a 100 people shared their sympathy and stories.  Czar was special.  Czar made an impact in so many lives.  The happiness and healing he brought to so many in our community is a model to live by.

RIP, my four legged friend...Thank you for the lessons in humanity.

  

October

It's been 16 years....the daily fear dissipated into weekly fear, then monthly.  Today, the fear comes only occasionally. Yet, when it rears its ugly head, it is as realistic as the day(s) the acts of violence occurred.

The fear is triggered by smell, a sight, a noise.  More often than not, I am unsure of the trigger.  My body involuntarily reacts with cold sweats, nightmares and withdrawing from loved ones.  I have no control when the past will return to my daily life. What I learned 16 years ago, and what I practice today, is though my physical state reacts involuntarily, my mental state and my life are what I can control.

16 years ago, the love of my children, the "mama bear" instinct was more powerful than the violence my husband was prone to.  Until that day, the acts of violence happened behind closed doors.  No one saw, no one heard and I was too embarrassed to tell.  16 years ago, I was pushed up against the wall with his fingers wrapped around my neck, choking off my life, choking off my very existence in front of my children.  The look of fear from my daughters pierced my soul and gave me the strength to escape and call for help.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  October is my birthday month.  I celebrate the entire month.  I lived to see another birthday in 1997.  I lived to see 16 more birthdays of my children.  I now have grandchildren and am able to celebrate their birthdays.   I am free, I am alive, I am "RUNNING my LIFE"...what better reason to celebrate the entire month of my birthday.