October

It's been 16 years....the daily fear dissipated into weekly fear, then monthly.  Today, the fear comes only occasionally. Yet, when it rears its ugly head, it is as realistic as the day(s) the acts of violence occurred.

The fear is triggered by smell, a sight, a noise.  More often than not, I am unsure of the trigger.  My body involuntarily reacts with cold sweats, nightmares and withdrawing from loved ones.  I have no control when the past will return to my daily life. What I learned 16 years ago, and what I practice today, is though my physical state reacts involuntarily, my mental state and my life are what I can control.

16 years ago, the love of my children, the "mama bear" instinct was more powerful than the violence my husband was prone to.  Until that day, the acts of violence happened behind closed doors.  No one saw, no one heard and I was too embarrassed to tell.  16 years ago, I was pushed up against the wall with his fingers wrapped around my neck, choking off my life, choking off my very existence in front of my children.  The look of fear from my daughters pierced my soul and gave me the strength to escape and call for help.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  October is my birthday month.  I celebrate the entire month.  I lived to see another birthday in 1997.  I lived to see 16 more birthdays of my children.  I now have grandchildren and am able to celebrate their birthdays.   I am free, I am alive, I am "RUNNING my LIFE"...what better reason to celebrate the entire month of my birthday.