2013

Good-bye is not forever.

Every piece of our history molds us; every action, every decision, every spoken word becomes a part of our future.  This is why I can not say good-bye to 2013.  Please understand, there are many components of 2013 I would love to forget.  I had my fair share of devastation, sadness, struggles, loss of loved ones, things I said, mistakes I made…  However, there were just as many celebrations. 

Each one of us is “Running our own Life”. 

Take chances – it may change your life.  Believe – every thing happens for a reason.  
Life is short – love the people who treat you right and pay no mind to those who do not.  
Exercise – it is a key ingredient of life.  
Dance – by yourself, with a loved one, with your kids, with your grand kids, just dance.

2014 is going to be an amazing year.  My New Year’s resolution stays the same and is three-fold: Learn, Travel & Experience.  Each year I vow to learn something new, travel to a place I have never been, and experience something wonderful.  When I reflect back on the previous years, I am humbled at the levels this resolution always takes me. 

Here are my highlights from 2013.

·        I participated in 8 running events and joined a running club – fun events with friends and family, virtual events with people I have never met, and my first time achievement of an Ultra Marathon.

·        Our grandsons, Jacob and Jaxon, spent over a month with us this fall – precious memories were made.

·        I traveled to Germany and had my first vacation with my daughters as young adults – they are FUN, ADVENTUROUS, BEAUTIFUL girls.

·        My son-in-law returned safely from his deployment to Afghanistan – each deployment is just as difficult as the last and I spend every day praying for his safety and return.

·        We attended our first NASCAR race – as a non-NASCAR fan I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

·        I traveled to Asheville, NC where I found yet another hidden treasure of our beautiful United States.

·        We added Layla to our family – a sweet, fast growing, a little stubborn at times, Daniff puppy.

·        I took the opportunity to speak and educate the importance of planned giving & board development for the Association of Healthcare Philanthropy and Association of Montana Healthcare Providers conferences.

·        I spent the spring semester teaching online for Bismarck state college – my 4^th year.  I believe the students have taught me just as much, if not more, then I have taught them.

·        I learned to drive a Skid-steer.  Now if I can just talk him into letting me play with it as much as I want – Oh, the landscaping projects I could start!!

Happy New Year friends!  May this coming year be filled with laughter, love and Blessing for all of you.

To free the soul

"The free soul is rare

but you know it when you see it - 

basically because you feel good, 

very good, when you are near or with them". 

                                 ~ Charles Bukowski

A good friend once said, "life can be good without being perfect".  When things become difficult, I remind myself of her wisdom. 

Once in a great while, the stars align and you find your soul is free - the world is perfect.  You look into the eyes of the person you are with and it takes your breath away.  The free soul is not to be captured and held on to forever.  It is to be cherished and recognized for what it is - it belongs to us only briefly.   

During my runs, I am surrounded with solitude and silence; allowing me to reconnect to the perfect times in my life.  I take my thoughts back and relive the moments when my soul was free.  And I feel good, very good...

Czar

Yesterday, we laid to rest my running partner, my friend, the one who knew my every secret and confession, the one that loved me unconditionally...Czar, a Great Dane/Mastiff mix.

I have always had a dog, often times more than one dog at a time for companionship.  My pets have always been a part of the family and are treated with love, patience and respect.  Czar was special - the first few weeks that Czar joined our home, he displayed traits of compassion, trust and healing.  I started bringing him to the office with me.  He instantly would identify the people who may be sick, sad or lonely.  He would lay at their feet, not asking or begging to be pet.  Czar would calmly and silently lay next to them.  Without fail, often without realizing it themselves, a hand would lower and pat Czar on the head.  We witnessed, day in and day out, the healing qualities Czar offered to those in need.

Czar instinctively knew the people that would not tolerate the presence of a dog.  When those people arrived at the office, he would retreat quietly into my office and wait for them to leave.

Because of his breed, it was imperative to keep him from running and jumping the first year of his life.  Great Danes and Mastiffs grow at such a fast pace the muscles and ligaments have a hard time staying caught up with their growth.  Czar did not become my running partner until the spring of 2013.  He helped me train for my first ultra marathon.  He motivated me to run when I felt I could not run another step.  He found pleasure in the sights and smells offered by trail running, always so proud when he came across a grouse, deer, and a couple times even a lone coyote.  With Czar by my side, I felt safe.  

A tragic accident led to the indescribable, difficult decision of parting with my four legged friend.  October 23, 2013, with Czar's head on my lap and tears streaming down my cheeks, we said our final good-bye.  In mere hours, my phone, email, and social media was flooded with condolences and sadness of Czar's passing.  Over a 100 people shared their sympathy and stories.  Czar was special.  Czar made an impact in so many lives.  The happiness and healing he brought to so many in our community is a model to live by.

RIP, my four legged friend...Thank you for the lessons in humanity.

  

October

It's been 16 years....the daily fear dissipated into weekly fear, then monthly.  Today, the fear comes only occasionally. Yet, when it rears its ugly head, it is as realistic as the day(s) the acts of violence occurred.

The fear is triggered by smell, a sight, a noise.  More often than not, I am unsure of the trigger.  My body involuntarily reacts with cold sweats, nightmares and withdrawing from loved ones.  I have no control when the past will return to my daily life. What I learned 16 years ago, and what I practice today, is though my physical state reacts involuntarily, my mental state and my life are what I can control.

16 years ago, the love of my children, the "mama bear" instinct was more powerful than the violence my husband was prone to.  Until that day, the acts of violence happened behind closed doors.  No one saw, no one heard and I was too embarrassed to tell.  16 years ago, I was pushed up against the wall with his fingers wrapped around my neck, choking off my life, choking off my very existence in front of my children.  The look of fear from my daughters pierced my soul and gave me the strength to escape and call for help.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  October is my birthday month.  I celebrate the entire month.  I lived to see another birthday in 1997.  I lived to see 16 more birthdays of my children.  I now have grandchildren and am able to celebrate their birthdays.   I am free, I am alive, I am "RUNNING my LIFE"...what better reason to celebrate the entire month of my birthday.

Zen Energy

"We create energy every day, and it has to be used every day.  You cannot accumulate it; you cannot be a miser about it.  Use the energy and you will feel calm. That calmness will be totally different than a forced stillness. The more energy you use, the more fresh energy will become available.  So find ways to use your energy - games, jogging, running - and delight in it."

As summer transforms to fall and fall transforms to winter, what becomes of our daily energy?  Challenges will exist. The battle of cold, wind and snow attempts to drag our body and mind down a dark, lazy road.

Today, as the sun shines and the warm dog days of summer are upon us, decide how to use your daily energy through the winter months. Visualize it, plan for it...calmness will prevail and fresh energy will continue to generate the entire year.

Strength and Beauty

All new experiences and successes introduce fond memories and stories.  During the Bighorn Mountain Wild and Scenic Trail run, I was able to reconnect with a childhood friend.  After more than 30 years of losing touch the power of social media reconnected us and we discovered we were both running in the same ultra marathon.  How fun to revisit childhood memories and find our interests and passions as adults are similar.

My Dad and my best friend, Patience traveled with me and supported me as ground crew for this event.  Making new memories and having this story to share with them reminds me of how blessed I am.

The outpouring of support from family, friends and the community was inspiring.  I specifically dedicated each mile to those who have provided me with encouragement.  The first 5 miles to my kids and grandkids.  Then, as the miles went on, my Dad, Mike, my siblings, family, Patience, friends, my co-workers…each mile melted away as I reflected on the struggles and sacrifices made by the amazing people in my life.  I’m not going to lie, standing at the start line at 6am in the brisk mountain air; I was moved to tears as a single baritone voice sang the National Anthem, holding the American Flag.  The freedom I feel running is a direct reflection of the freedom our American soldiers fight for each and every day.

When I tumbled head over heels at mile 16, I was greeted with the most beautiful Monarch butterfly I had ever seen.  The Monarch gently brushed the skin on my arm not afraid.  As I dusted myself off, tentatively walking and eventually returning to a jog, the Monarch continued to follow me along the trail until I arrived two miles later at the aid station. 

“A Butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam and for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world…but, then it flies on again, and although we wished it could have stayed, we are so thankful to have seen it at all.”

(http://sweetbutterflystory.blogspot.com)  

Thank you Audry for giving me the strength I needed in the moment.

My Ultra Experience

The ultra experience:  The greatest distance I had ever run was 26.2 miles, a full marathon in Phoenix, AZ.  Trail running in an ultra is no comparison, especially in the Bighorns of Wyoming.  I have never experienced such a vast amount of beauty over the course of a day.  Wildflowers as far as the eye could see in every shade of blue, purple and yellow…simply breathtaking!  The trail varied from loose rock, dusty paths, creek crossings, narrow paths no different than cattle paths on a ranch in eastern Montana to ATV roads.  I did a few things right and many things wrong during my first ultra marathon.

Things I did right: 

·        I wore running pants.  As I looked around at the start line, I was the only person in pants – everyone else wore shorts.  However, the temperature was a whopping 38 degrees at the top of the mountain and I am a wimp when it comes to the cold.  Secondly, when I wiped out at mile 16, my pants literally saved me from tearing my knees wide open. 

·        I trained.  I set up a training regiment and followed it fairly close.  Physically it was helpful and mentally it was powerful.  As I looked around at the elite athletes I was running with, my brain did not beat me up.  I knew I had the endurance to finish the race along side each of the other lean, mean running machines. 

·        I did not wear a watch.  This was a conscience decision but not an easy one.  Since it was my first ultra experience, I made the decision to listen to my body rather than letting the watch and time dictate and possibly push me beyond my ability.  I missed the cutoff time by 15 minutes at mile 34 to be able to continue the remaining 16 miles.  However, I arrived at mile 34 safely and feeling strong.  Safety throughout this event was truly my main goal. 

Mistakes I made:

·        I lost my package of wet wipes out of my running belt.  Refer to number 6 below.  What I learned from this experience is to shake off the innovative grass usage.  I discovered first hand where the term “ants in your pants” originated.

·        Wear a watch.  I know, I know…this contradicts above.  However, being shy only 15 minutes I easily could have adjusted my speed to ensure I would have made the cutoff time.

·        I packed way too much food in my drop bags.  We were allowed 2 drop bags.  One was waiting for us at mile 18 and one at mile 34.  The aid stations along the way were well equipped with wonderful food, power bars, electrolyte supplements and fruit.  Next time I would pack only my change of socks, shoes and wet wipes.

My friend and fellow ultra marathon participant, Kristin Mattocks summed up the experience below.  I think she nailed it!!

0. Most people don't do nearly enough training for their ultra, and they are fine. Or, people do a kind of training that you wouldn't expect to be successful, and they kick your butt. For example, my new friend Connie didn't run a single step before this weekend's ultra. ...Instead, she did months of power hikes in Wyoming and kicked my butt in the race. Go figure!! She's a rock star.

1. Most people walk a good bit of the race; except the really good people, of course. You're supposed to walk up all the big hills. Believe me, it’s a relief to see so many people walking.

2. You'll never find better food than in an ultra. Some examples of aid station tables: bacon, grilled cheese, cheeseburgers, Fig Newtons, jelly beans, peanut butter and jelly, turkey and cheese sandwiches, Mountain Dew, M&Ms, gummy bears.

3. Ultra folks drink a lot of beer the night before the race.

4. Ultra folks drink a lot of beer after the race.

5. The starting line is totally laid back. Nobody is in any kind of hurry to get out of the gate quickly. And, you'll never meet a nicer bunch of folks then those crazies who run ultras.

6. There are no porta pottties along the way, so you've gotta be creative.

7. Its best to run with somebody you like rather than alone. It’s also perfectly acceptable to tell long, never-ending stories that focus on: your childhood, your marriages, your childbirth experiences, songs that you like, concerts you wish you had attended, and other irrelevant pieces of information that take up a lot of time. The longer the story, the better.

8. If you see a lawn chair or some other comfy place to sit at an aid station, DO NOT SIT DOWN. It is a trick to get you to drop out of the race.

9. Nobody cares how you did in the race. Its all about finishing. And the food. And the beer afterwards.

10. Know that you will not be able to walk like a normal person for a week. In fact, city curbs will become the biggest obstacle you've seen in months.

11. Once you try an ultra, you'll be back for many, many more. What better way to see some of the most beautiful backcountry in the US, eat crap, and meet great people?